Learning to Love Myself

I’ve spent a great deal of time this month in deep reflection.  I mean DEEP, DEEP, Soul-Searching Reflection, where you hold a gi-normous magnifying glass to your soul and life (Past, Present & Future).  I think the one year UnBloggable Anniversary had something to do with it.   Nothing like an ongoing UnBloggable to turn you upside down and force you to refocus your priorities.   There are many other reasons why.  This POST by Daring Young Mom knocked me off my feet earlier this summer as well.  It’s a must read!!!

Like many I’ve struggled with self-esteem my entire life.  And I’m now seeing how the negative comments I make about my body, intellect, etc, are effecting the way my children view themselves.  How stupid is it that a 4 and 8 year old make remarks about themselves being stupid or fat?  Of course, I immediately sit them down, tell them how precious they are, remind them not to compare themselves to others, yada, yada, yada.  But, the only way for them to really believe me is if I stop the Self-Hate Myself.

I’m working on it.  Really Hard.  Don’t really want to be that kind of hypocrite mom.

And it’s working.

Slowly, but it’s working.

My long time readers know I rarely post pictures of myself.  You know the typical ‘You’ll break the camera, cause I’m ugly thought & excuse.’  But I decided to take off my mask.  Got a little courage from SHAKTI MAMA’s Project located HERE.  I hid way too long behind what I thought others thought of me.  Bought clothes, furniture, and STUFF because I thought other’s would think it was nice and not necessarily because I loved it. 

Well this year I turned the scary Big 40.  You know Mid-Life Crisis Warning time.  Of course I didn’t go out and jump out of an airplane, or buy a Motorcycle (even thought I thought about it).  Wanted a little red one that I could call Bella.  Silly right!  UGH!

The best thing about turning 40 – Reflection. 

Now, I’m finally taking steps to embrace me, my thoughts, dreams, goals, likes, etc,   And the most amazing thing is happening --- I’m starting to like me.  No, it’s even stronger than that.

I actually Love me, myself, and I.  Shucks, it only took 40 years, but I’m viewing myself through more mature, enlightened eyes.

Shakti’s first project was a making a mask, but seeing as I’ve been behind one way too long I thought I’d show you the real thing.  No make-up, no photo editing, and no broken camera.

Introducing me.

Freckles, sun-spots, moles and all.  And it’s not that bad, if I do say so myself. 

Yes, I know I won’t grace the cover of any magazine but I am a masterpiece in progress.  Want to see something I really like about myself.

I’ve got a head full of super thick, slightly wavy (when still damp like above) wonderful long hair.  I mostly keep it in a pony tail or braid because I don’t like it in my face.  But I think it’s pretty cool, even now that it has a sprinkling of gray in there.  Gray = Life Experience.  Let’s just say I’ve gotten more life experience over the past year than I have the previous 39 put together. 

And here’s something I wear to help me to remember to keep my dreams alive.

It’s actually a combination of three of my favorite necklaces.  My dream necklace that my in-laws gave me for last Christmas along with a little fairy for imagination and a flower bell that really tinkles a charming note reminding me that to find happiness I’ve got to seek it out.  It sure won’t come and find me if I’m wallowing in self-pity. 

You know, my girls, they are going to make it too.  We all are.

How do we break the self-hate cycle once and for all?  It’s probably different for all of us.  Would love your suggestions because I know for a fact it’s a process that won’t happen overnight.  But it will be so worth it in the end.

Mother of All HumDingers

Sometimes, even the little black box can’t be saved.

Well it’s finally happened friends. That teeny-tiny straw that broke the camels back has landed with the force of an atom bomb on my psyche.

No one died or got sick or lost their job or anything that horrible.

It was just a small electrical glitch. But one that had me fleeing the house to sob in private in the car, as not to scare my kids. By the way if you want a good cry, plug in Josh Groban’s ‘NOEL’ CD. And if you’re anywhere near a hormonal or emotional wreck, it will tip the scales and let you wail. For once I was glad it was dark early so as not to scare the other motorists with my way-ugly sad face. Come-on the only people who make sad look good are actors. We real humans can really contort those facial muscles into something quite grotesque when emotionally out-of-it.

What could be so horrible?

Seven years of digital movies and family pictures – Erased! I’ve got all of this year’s pictures on my laptop. But a few months ago my wonderful husband put all of our family pictures and home movies on a hard drive. Then he wisely copied them onto yet another portable hard drive. TWO BACK-UPS! I have always meant to make scrapbooks and photo albums for the kids and our family. I know of their importance – Geezzz I was a Creative Memories Consultant years ago. I preached that stuff. But I kept putting it off. All those pictures were still in digital form saved on computers.

About two months ago Evo-man was running through a room and his foot caught the electrical cord attached to one of the boxes and sent it flying. Back up number 1 = Toast!

Yeah, Yeah, we should have immediately made an extra copy. But life happened and we didn’t.

Last night Prince Erik took out our master portable hard drive because he wanted to look at a few things. Plugged the sucker in and…

Well, you know,

It made a funny clicking sound,

And absolutely nothing happened.

My husband, the computer genius (he really is), tried every trick he knew and couldn’t recover those precious files. All hope is not lost. He called the manufacturer of the Hard Drive and they said that for around $1,900 to $2,500 they could TRY to recover them for us. Joy! More money – with no guarantee’s. Seems to be the new direction of my life.

So now held in limbo are Christmas get-togethers, our family’s trip to Yellowstone, Mt. Rushmore, California and Nauvoo. Missing is family reunions and relatives (some no longer here). Gone is the Princess Trip I took with just my girls to Disneyland, my first Half-Marathon etc. But the part that hurts the most- Is - gone are all my pictures of Princess and Hope as babies. I can just imagine, but I really don’t want to, them growing up never having a baby picture of themselves, and it’s killing me.

I guess I should just rename my blog ‘The Whining Place’. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure my recent rants and raves of late. It just seems to be all going wrong. All the other stuff kind-of seem insignificant now. Sure roofs get holes, and kitchens fall apart, and dryers go ka-putt, money get’s tourniquet-tight. But those are just things. And that type of stuff can always be replaced. Memories can’t! So until they invent a time-machine and I can go back and recapture all those wonderful events; or, if by some miracle our hard drive can be recovered, I’ll just have to get busy writing. Recording the memories I have of the past seven years or so. There will be some record of it, that won’t be forgotten, even if it is just stories.

It was really hard to think of something good as a result – but here it is. Gone are all my fat pictures! Wahoo! And I did learn a lesson – Next time have 5 back-ups, photo albums etc.

On great news, after a week of washing dishes in the Master Bathroom, my husband rigged this here TEMPORARY hill-billy sink back in the shell of our former kitchen.

Yeah! Believe me this really makes me happy. I am going to have to lay down some plastic so as not to warp the sub-floor before we can finish it. It is very temporary so don’t send CPS telling them we are living in squalor – O.K. More like glorified camping.

And I’m having fun planning my dream kitchen. Butterscotch cabinets with a walnut glaze over it.

Oh, and Thanks for sticking around. I promise my posts won’t always be such downers.

It just get's better and better.

So I haven’t been having one of those days, I’ve been having one of those months.

I’m trying, I’m really trying to stay positive. But then little things like this happen.

Insurance called today. They aren’t even going to send someone out to our home to look at the kitchen damage because,

‘We don’t cover slow leaks only catastrophic, big honkin, fire hydrant pipe bursting ones that spew at least 15 gallons of water a second. Who cares if it’s not your fault and you didn’t have a camera installed in your wall to detect the start of your homes downward spiral. And since the contractor couldn’t even determine the cause of the damage it won’t do us any good to send someone out. So fork over the bucks, tear your home apart and if once the walls come down you find a LEAK that spills out say more than a tiny leak would then you can consider calling us back because we may or may not help you then.'

Prince Erik is going to call the guy back and see if he can’t have more luck than I did, but it’s not looking hopeful.

So I’m envisioning ‘Extreme-Home-Make-Over-Demolition-Type-Party for the kitchen. Anyone want to come take out their aggressions on my cabinets, floors and walls – Just let me know? Otherwise I’ll be picturing our Homeowners Insurance Company with each and every $22,000 swing.

That and it looks as if I’ll really have to get another job other than my real one of being a mom.

O.K. my pity-party is over. I’m fine now. Thanks for letting me rant.