Learning to Love Myself

I’ve spent a great deal of time this month in deep reflection.  I mean DEEP, DEEP, Soul-Searching Reflection, where you hold a gi-normous magnifying glass to your soul and life (Past, Present & Future).  I think the one year UnBloggable Anniversary had something to do with it.   Nothing like an ongoing UnBloggable to turn you upside down and force you to refocus your priorities.   There are many other reasons why.  This POST by Daring Young Mom knocked me off my feet earlier this summer as well.  It’s a must read!!!

Like many I’ve struggled with self-esteem my entire life.  And I’m now seeing how the negative comments I make about my body, intellect, etc, are effecting the way my children view themselves.  How stupid is it that a 4 and 8 year old make remarks about themselves being stupid or fat?  Of course, I immediately sit them down, tell them how precious they are, remind them not to compare themselves to others, yada, yada, yada.  But, the only way for them to really believe me is if I stop the Self-Hate Myself.

I’m working on it.  Really Hard.  Don’t really want to be that kind of hypocrite mom.

And it’s working.

Slowly, but it’s working.

My long time readers know I rarely post pictures of myself.  You know the typical ‘You’ll break the camera, cause I’m ugly thought & excuse.’  But I decided to take off my mask.  Got a little courage from SHAKTI MAMA’s Project located HERE.  I hid way too long behind what I thought others thought of me.  Bought clothes, furniture, and STUFF because I thought other’s would think it was nice and not necessarily because I loved it. 

Well this year I turned the scary Big 40.  You know Mid-Life Crisis Warning time.  Of course I didn’t go out and jump out of an airplane, or buy a Motorcycle (even thought I thought about it).  Wanted a little red one that I could call Bella.  Silly right!  UGH!

The best thing about turning 40 – Reflection. 

Now, I’m finally taking steps to embrace me, my thoughts, dreams, goals, likes, etc,   And the most amazing thing is happening --- I’m starting to like me.  No, it’s even stronger than that.

I actually Love me, myself, and I.  Shucks, it only took 40 years, but I’m viewing myself through more mature, enlightened eyes.

Shakti’s first project was a making a mask, but seeing as I’ve been behind one way too long I thought I’d show you the real thing.  No make-up, no photo editing, and no broken camera.

Introducing me.

Freckles, sun-spots, moles and all.  And it’s not that bad, if I do say so myself. 

Yes, I know I won’t grace the cover of any magazine but I am a masterpiece in progress.  Want to see something I really like about myself.

I’ve got a head full of super thick, slightly wavy (when still damp like above) wonderful long hair.  I mostly keep it in a pony tail or braid because I don’t like it in my face.  But I think it’s pretty cool, even now that it has a sprinkling of gray in there.  Gray = Life Experience.  Let’s just say I’ve gotten more life experience over the past year than I have the previous 39 put together. 

And here’s something I wear to help me to remember to keep my dreams alive.

It’s actually a combination of three of my favorite necklaces.  My dream necklace that my in-laws gave me for last Christmas along with a little fairy for imagination and a flower bell that really tinkles a charming note reminding me that to find happiness I’ve got to seek it out.  It sure won’t come and find me if I’m wallowing in self-pity. 

You know, my girls, they are going to make it too.  We all are.

How do we break the self-hate cycle once and for all?  It’s probably different for all of us.  Would love your suggestions because I know for a fact it’s a process that won’t happen overnight.  But it will be so worth it in the end.

I Found My Twin

Well to be truly honest UTMomof5 of The Five Little Monkeys found her for me.  This Anita gal and I even have the same haircut, except she splurged and got cool highlights.    Oh, oh and her fairy tale dress is almost a dead ringer for my Junior Miss Evening Wear Dress (ain’t that a scary thought) that I wore in High School.  It’s still buried in my closet for that future day when I can fit into it again.

Regardless this lady is me except she got the the singing talent.

 

 

I nearly cried when Romeo stepped out of the car – How Sappy is That?

How's your load?

I know this picture dates me but it's here to make a point. So just ignor the poofy hair and fluffly dress and...

In church today I got a little dose of Mother’s Day a wee bit early. As women we are constantly busy with life, kids, homes, and everything that revolves around them. And all too often it falls to us to keep it all together.

A story was told of a German castle surrounded by King Konrad III. He condemned all the men of the castle to death and told the women and children that they could leave and carry their possessions on their backs. Well the women chose to carry their husbands out and the King didn’t go back on his word. So the men were spared because their wives carried them.

C.S. Lewis said, ‘The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only – and that is to support this ultimate career.’

So for all you ladies out there, Wow, you are all amazing. With the loads you have to bear in the day in which we live, you are truly inspirational to me.

Above is proof that I can lift my husband every now and then. And yes sometimes I have to grit my teeth and smile. But he's worth it. Even though this pic was taken over 19 years ago - Am I really that old? Regardless of when it was taken I still think I could heft him up. However I would rather wait until he actually takes me to Germany so we could get that picture outside of the actual castle. Until then I’ll keep hauling because he’s a keeper.

If I Only Had a Brain

Four hours sleep is no where near enough time to refresh your brain. I'm quickly discovering that out today.

Somehow my blog decided to throw a temper tantrum and put all of my side info at the bottom of the screen on the outside of the layout. More likely I did it, but I've yet to remember my mis-step. Seeing that I'm not computer savvy guru like my husband, it may take me a while to figure out. So if you see things are a bit out of wack - I apologize. Just realize that it is an actual representation of my daily life. Something is always a little helter-skelter!

Now on to more pressing matters. I neglected to plan a party for Princess for her birthday. Oh the Horror - I know I use that phrase way too often, but how many mom's do you know that wait until the last (forget minute) nano-second to plan things as huge as a birthday party. So I've got to figure out something P.D.Q. before everyone leaves town for Spring Break, oh say, tomorrow afternoon. Maybe she will accept a trip to B.A.B instead. At least they remembered and sent her $5 in the mail for her birthday. Although it's not enough to actually buy anything - just enough to get you in the store.

Now where did I put that brain of mine again. Maybe it is true and I don't have one. Here are the facts that point to the demise of my grey matter.

Fact #1 - I've never had a brain freeze in my life from eating ice cream. Can't freeze what you don't have.

Fact #2 - Unless it's written down and in front of my face I'll forget what it is that.... What was I talking about?

Fact #3 - Someone once said that you can loose brain cell's while pregnant? Is this a myth? Don't know, but if it's fact, then it would make perfect sense that the more kids I have the dumber I get. And if it is a myth then my brain isn't bright enough to recognize an obvious hoax.

Fact #4 - I have no idea what I'm trying to say

So until I find my brain and fix my blog - enjoy your sanity and be glad you don't have mine, or lack thereof.

Wonder Woman or Nut Case?

Last week when my husband took a couple of days off to play Mr. Mom so that I cold get some sick rest, he mentioned to me. ‘There is no possible way for you to do everything it is that you need to do.’

‘Why thank you honey, I never knew you thought I was Wonder Woman.’ Seriously thinking he was in awe of my amazing super-human effort to help manage our half dozen kiddo’s lives and still manage to have a home that was week by week getting a wee bit cleaner.

He lovingly commented, ‘Well what I really meant to say was; you might have too much on your plate.’

‘What do you suggest that I drop off my plate?' and thought, 'and let splatter all over these nice clean floors?’ My mind whirling, Homeschooling the girls popped up first, then my blog, then my focus on un-cluttering our home, church calling, extra-curricular projects for our O.D.D. child and the list goes on.

‘I dunno?’


That was the end of the conversation. I quickly shoved the too-much-on-my-plate idea into the dusty crevices of my brain and focused on the thought that I was Wonder Woman and could do it all.

Fast Forward to yesterday…

Wonder Woman Crashed her Invisible Plane. Or Fawndear’s brain took a vacation.

Yesterday, I had one of those Mental-Mind-Detour Days.

I quickly enlisted my super-human efforts to feed the kids.

Spot mop the floors.

Oh, and tackle those pesky rainbow colored walls.

Then the dreaded (In my mind only) clipboard bearing appraiser showed up. Nice guy, by the way. He even mentioned to me that although he wasn’t going to put it in his notes, he noticed that our roof needed to be replaced.

Here friends, is where Wonder Woman’s mental plane took a huge detour and… crash landed! I know this never happens to anyone else but I started thinking very, very un-rationally something along these lines.

'Yes, I know that the roof is horrible, and you’re being nice not to mention it, but it will be reflected in the value you give our home, right? And I see all those marks you’re making on that there clipboard. Drat, I shouldn’t have busted my kester cleaning so hard because instead of focusing on the clutter you can now focus on all the holes in the wall. Oh, and you can’t fool me pacing up and down the street with your camera, I know that you’re desperately trying to find an angle to show our homes best angle, but there isn’t one. See from there all that you’ll be seeing is our moss-covered, still Christmas light bearing horrible leaky roof. And that angle isn’t much better because you can see where last year’s windstorm blew over half our fence (still down and out) and we have that jumbled, bright blue tarp bearing wood pile out back.’

Well, I’ll spare you the rest of my un-rational thought pattern, but it wasn’t pretty. By the time he left I was on the verge of crying, and the poor guy hadn’t done a thing.

It didn’t end there… I spiraled that pesky invisible plane into a dark canyon I haven’t visited in over a year. Emotional eating! I consumed all of a small box of chocolates (who am I kidding, it was a whole regular sized box) that didn’t even really taste good. Probably because of the fact that I bought it at the dollar store. And why stop there. If I was going to crash and burn, I’d make the explosion really big so people for miles around could see. So I broke the no electronic entertainment rule and started surfing all my favorite blogs for a little solace. I must have alarmed Trenadoll when she read that I commented on her blog (yes, she knows what month this is), because she even picked up the phone and called to see if everything was o.k.

I hate those un-rational mental detours. So it was definitely a lapse day. Then, as I was getting ready for bed we got an email from our agency that told us what the appraisal was and what we needed to do to keep going. The appraisal was fine, all that worry for squat! I think Wonder Woman had just overdone it physically a couple of days ago and needed a break.

Today I’m happy to report it’s going to be a healthy and happy, day. Last night’s sleep worked miracles on my invisible plane and it’s flying again. I’m off to wake up my darlings and start another regular hustle and bustle homeschool day, de-clutter another closet, and maybe pull a few more weeds. This time I’ll just tone down my super-human efforts a notch, so I don’t have another super melt-down anytime soon.

Oh, and since it's Valentines Day, I'd better think of something for Prince Erik that won't involve too much. I know I'll let him cook the shrimp in the freezer. That will show him how much I love him. This time I'll wear a romantic clothespeg on my nose.

The Mad Dash

My pedometer hit a new high yesterday, well other than the 30,000 plus it logged on the day that I did my half marathon. 22,201 STEPS! Where was I running? Crazy, up the wall, after kids, behind the lawnmower in the rain (no, not kidding, how else was I going to quickly eliminate last falls leaves), filling up the truck with its fourth load of ugh, ugh, and more ugh, and taking our O.D.D. child to his awesome 20/20 kids class.

Since it was Tuesday that meant it was the parent’s day to join the kids and sweat it out right along with them. You try a wall squat that lasts 4 minutes and see how you feel the rest of the evening, OUCH! What a nice way to start exercising again after a couple weeks off – Straight to the Pain. We also got to attend another healthy eating class which gives us ideas on what food is healthy and what you should avoid like the plague. Oh, and then there is the meeting with the counselor who helps us learn how not to parent with food, and how to survive Valentines Day on little to no chocolate. OUCH, OUCH! I love the whole healthy eating and generally I do really well. My kids might think I’m a food Nazi, but I still let them have the occasional treat. But if you were a kid and you were only supposed to have one or two pieces of candy on Valentines Day; how hard would it be when you get twenty pieces from kids at school? And the Valentine’s Parties there– Nothing but sugar. I’ll have to think of an awesome non-food reward for all my kids that stick to their health goals for Valentines Day.

See I’m so scattered I forgot to tell you why I was a Movin’ and a Groovin’ yesterday and today. Well the dreaded Home Appraisal inspector will be at our home in less than 3 hours. My home is relatively clean, but no where near the clutter free zone I’m dreaming about. But I’ll get there, cause I believe that dreams do come true.

I’ve decided that Tuesdays are going to be my Health Blog Day. Yeah, Yeah, I know it’s Wednesday already, but from now on, on Tuesdays I’ll let you in on my health Dream. My healthy thing I’m striving for this week is not to get addicted to Chocolate again. But I will allow some on Valentines Day. I think I’ll treat myself to some yummy sliced Strawberries with a hint of shaved chocolate on top. That’s what my husband got me last year after I started the 20/20 program with Pro Sports Club and I think I’ll make that a tradition.

Anyway, 1 hours 58 minutes until the inspector gets here and I’ve got to get some grumpy rumps out of bed, a load to the dump to tie down, 4 rooms to sweep and mop, dishes, laundry, breakfast, and much, much more. Good thing I’m Wonder Woman and a morning person.

Mom's Day Off

I thought it would be a lot tougher to sit and do nothing today. Boy was I wrong. It was actually quite nice, turning the kids and home over to my husband. I parked my body on the front room couch and clipped coupons all morning long. I’ve decided to do some actual budgeting during my convalescence.

I, of course, smiled to see my little shadow attach herself to her daddy’s leg instead of mine. It felt so good to say, ‘Go take that to Daddy, he’ll change your stinky, get you a Sippy cup, and let you sit on his lap while working.’

About an hour after the kids left to school I heard him mumble the magic words we mom’s love to hear… ‘I don’t know how you do it.’ He then promptly called my friend The Cleaning Lady and begged her to come help clean the house.

I got an even bigger smile when I heard my husband wrestling the possessed Washing Machine back into place. ‘This things heavy,’ he grunted.

My biggest wonderful-that-I’m-too-sick-to-help moment came when the Washer decided to get sick and spew all over the laundry room floor. Seems Prince Erik didn’t check to see whether the hoses were still attached to the wall after its last demonic possession. I laughed till I hacked as I sat on the couch and didn’t feel the least bit guilty. That lack of guilt did come in handy as I didn't raise even so much as a pinky to help, while seeing him running around grabbing towels. How very, very, naughty of me. But I’ve been complaining about that uppity washer for over a year now.

Finally, today I got some honest results. What do you do when your washer develops an ego? Well you humble it by knocking it off its pedestal, of course.

And for the next load of laundry, wouldn’t you know it; the beast stayed in place and didn’t budge so much as an inch.

Maybe the big guy upstairs decided to knock me off my pedestal for a bit this week because I needed to be humbled as well. I’ll have to ponder more on that one later. For now I’m just going to sit here and enjoy one of the blessings of a T.V. free home. Lea reading to her sister Princess.

Mudder & the Secret Photographer

Princess told me about a movie she watched, while she was home sick from church today. Her favorite part of the movie was where the girl found her mudder.

'Her mudder?' I replied.

'Yep, her mudder,' she said excitedly.

I confirmed that a mudder is a mom. Seems right because being a mom with lot's of little kids means that you are constantly dealing with muddy situations.

Here's Princess sleeping with her best friends (Dr.) Boots and (patient) Chilly. Hopefully they will help her feel better soon.

Before I took the picture of Princess sleeping I grabbed an old memory card because I misplaced the camera card I just loaded onto my computer yesterday. Turns out that the new or old, depending how you look at it, card had about 130 pictures already taken on it. I didn't remember taking any of the pictures. Turns out they were taken by a sneaky, secret, family closet photographer. Considering that I bumped my head on the top bunk of the bunkbed trying to take the above picture of Princess sleeping, I should get some lessons from this pro.

I figure they were taken last summer. Not to bad, if I say so myself. Look the plants are even alive.

The secret photographer even captured our family immortalized in vinyl rub-on stick figures on the back of our tank.

And sister Hope sleeping on the computer keyboard. Hey, around our home you get sleep whenever you can.


AH-HA! The secret photographer left this incriminating clue as to their identity. Turns out it was Lea all along.

Have a happy and healthy new week. We are trying for the happy. Hopefully the healthy won't be too far behind.