Learning to Love Myself

I’ve spent a great deal of time this month in deep reflection.  I mean DEEP, DEEP, Soul-Searching Reflection, where you hold a gi-normous magnifying glass to your soul and life (Past, Present & Future).  I think the one year UnBloggable Anniversary had something to do with it.   Nothing like an ongoing UnBloggable to turn you upside down and force you to refocus your priorities.   There are many other reasons why.  This POST by Daring Young Mom knocked me off my feet earlier this summer as well.  It’s a must read!!!

Like many I’ve struggled with self-esteem my entire life.  And I’m now seeing how the negative comments I make about my body, intellect, etc, are effecting the way my children view themselves.  How stupid is it that a 4 and 8 year old make remarks about themselves being stupid or fat?  Of course, I immediately sit them down, tell them how precious they are, remind them not to compare themselves to others, yada, yada, yada.  But, the only way for them to really believe me is if I stop the Self-Hate Myself.

I’m working on it.  Really Hard.  Don’t really want to be that kind of hypocrite mom.

And it’s working.

Slowly, but it’s working.

My long time readers know I rarely post pictures of myself.  You know the typical ‘You’ll break the camera, cause I’m ugly thought & excuse.’  But I decided to take off my mask.  Got a little courage from SHAKTI MAMA’s Project located HERE.  I hid way too long behind what I thought others thought of me.  Bought clothes, furniture, and STUFF because I thought other’s would think it was nice and not necessarily because I loved it. 

Well this year I turned the scary Big 40.  You know Mid-Life Crisis Warning time.  Of course I didn’t go out and jump out of an airplane, or buy a Motorcycle (even thought I thought about it).  Wanted a little red one that I could call Bella.  Silly right!  UGH!

The best thing about turning 40 – Reflection. 

Now, I’m finally taking steps to embrace me, my thoughts, dreams, goals, likes, etc,   And the most amazing thing is happening --- I’m starting to like me.  No, it’s even stronger than that.

I actually Love me, myself, and I.  Shucks, it only took 40 years, but I’m viewing myself through more mature, enlightened eyes.

Shakti’s first project was a making a mask, but seeing as I’ve been behind one way too long I thought I’d show you the real thing.  No make-up, no photo editing, and no broken camera.

Introducing me.

Freckles, sun-spots, moles and all.  And it’s not that bad, if I do say so myself. 

Yes, I know I won’t grace the cover of any magazine but I am a masterpiece in progress.  Want to see something I really like about myself.

I’ve got a head full of super thick, slightly wavy (when still damp like above) wonderful long hair.  I mostly keep it in a pony tail or braid because I don’t like it in my face.  But I think it’s pretty cool, even now that it has a sprinkling of gray in there.  Gray = Life Experience.  Let’s just say I’ve gotten more life experience over the past year than I have the previous 39 put together. 

And here’s something I wear to help me to remember to keep my dreams alive.

It’s actually a combination of three of my favorite necklaces.  My dream necklace that my in-laws gave me for last Christmas along with a little fairy for imagination and a flower bell that really tinkles a charming note reminding me that to find happiness I’ve got to seek it out.  It sure won’t come and find me if I’m wallowing in self-pity. 

You know, my girls, they are going to make it too.  We all are.

How do we break the self-hate cycle once and for all?  It’s probably different for all of us.  Would love your suggestions because I know for a fact it’s a process that won’t happen overnight.  But it will be so worth it in the end.

I plead insanity.

Maybe my good mood left when I packed up the wee folks. 

Maybe it’s because my stupid tremors are back, courtesy of the stupid weight gain of the past couple of months.

Maybe it flew out the door as Abner raced to earn his eagle. 

With only two days until his 18th birthday they finally approved his efforts.  He made it, in typical Fawndear procrastination style.  My son is flying.

 

His project was to clear a trail, remove fallen tree’s and make and replace 23 plant identification signs.

That alone kept my mind whirling that I totally spaced his birthday.  So what do you get a son turning 18 that has more in his checking account than you do?     Who on a daily basis proves his is more mature than his mom.

That’s it?  Yeah, he likes pirate stuff and all but this is one exceptional boy.  And that’s all he gets?  He has never in all his years once sassed me,  raised his voice to me, threw a temper tantrum in any form what-so-ever since he was maybe 3 or 4. 

This is the one in a million kid that when he see’s that I need help, he volunteers to help without being asked. 

Of all the kids in the state we live in he qualified for Nationals in two events at TSA.  He taught himself how to play chess at the age of four by just watching his Pompa and Dad play.  He is exceptional.

So how does his mother mark his passage into adulthood - with a lousy water bottle.  You’ve got to be kidding me.

I truly was sick to my stomach that this special day snuck up on me and I’d planned nothing, no party, no special commemorative gifts.  Maybe my sub-conscience was trying to trick me into thinking if I didn’t celebrate his birthday he wouldn’t get any older.  He wouldn’t soon be taking his amazing example and leaving the nest.  Regardless of my pathetic excuses, I was a mental mess on his birthday.  Still am, but that’s nothing new.

He even offered to help decorate his own birthday cake.

I was able to get a couple of his friends to come over at the last minute and play rock band with him.   It wasn’t a total loss.  And dad brought him home a computer gadget.  So he didn’t walk away with only one thing.

 

But, I’m feeling like a stinking, horrible mom right now, and deserve to be taken to the woodshed.  Well that’s where I’ve taken myself.  He hasn’t complained a lick about the lack of attention.  He never has.  He always steps back and let’s the kids who bellow and whine take all my focus. 

So help me – how can I make this up to him?  Other than making him an Eagle quilt or something.  Material things aren’t going to cut it.  How do I let him know just how much he means to me?  I can’t believe my baby is 18!!!!!

I don't want to Grow - Up!!! & Give-away

What two give-aways in two posts? But you gotta read this post to find out about the prize and super easy contest rules.



'Imagination is more important than knowledge. For while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand, imagination points to all we might yet discover and create.' ~Albert Einstein

I was informed by my daughter’s fourth grade teacher that it isn’t cool for 9 and 10 year old girls to talk about such things as faeries, being a princess and make believe. It is cool to talk about clothes, crushes, girlfriend stuff and what-not. So far the other kids are not teasing her about her topic’s of conversation choices, but the teacher is afraid it’s only a matter of time.

Me, Myself and I have probably always had a good solid foot in the land of imagination. I love it. I was one of those kids who could go out in the backyard and spend the entire day, by myself with my imaginary friends, and have a great time. I still take a foray into imaginary worlds with my books (vampires in Forks – anyone?) or play pretend with my girls in the park and help them build fairy houses with leaves, nuts and fallen branches. At heart I’m a big kid with a huge imagination. And I love Holidays like Saint Patricks Day, Halloween and Christmas because they feed that imaginative spirit.

This year I’ve think I’ve got to tell my oldest daughter about Santa and it’s killing me. I’ve never lied to her I usually let her come to her own conclusions but she keeps telling me that all her friends at school are telling her that Santa isn’t real. When she asks me I say things like, ‘Well what do you think about that?’ Even in her Christmas Letter to Santa she asked him if he was real. When I found out (at twelve, mind you) I sobbed like you wouldn’t believe. Finding out that certain magical things you believe in aren’t quite real can be a huge downer.

But I’m a bit stimied as to how to encourage a healthy imagination in my children without bringing on the teasing from other less-inspired children.

I will tell her that she definitely is a Princess and always will be because her Heavenly Father is a King! She should never, never think herself not worthy of that title. I will tell her angels are real and miracles do happen . And I will tell her that imagination is a very powerful thing, and unfortunately there are kids out there that have grown up so glued to the television or gaming system that they don’t have an ounce of imaginative spark in them. So she will have to be careful from now on who she shares her thoughts and dreams with. And I will tell her that dreams can come true if you work hard enough.

So as to the give-away. Here’s a little portal to imagination. Keep it up year round or pull it out for special occasions to invite the magic into your home.

I made it with a little fairy dust glitter, love & from the clay that you bake in the oven.

I love crafting these doors and I’ve seen some on Etsy but if I charged what they do on Etsy I’d be paying myself maybe $3 an hour for how long it takes me to make them. I make them because I enjoy crafting them. I realize that I forgot to include instructions in how to make them. I'm working on some PDF patterns that should help the craftily challenged people out there. I'll try and post them soon, but it may be a couple of weeks.

To win it – Leave a comment (That's a tough requirement - isn't it!) Optional is telling me how you feed a child’s imagination while keeping them grounded in reality.

Well, Slap My Face!

I had a huge reality check this week. My oldest turned 17 years old and I up until then was thinking; O.K. I have two more years with him to teach him the rest of what he needs to know before he goes out into the big ole’ world to carve his own path and probably serve a mission. Nope! Wrong Again. If he leaves for college right after he graduates from High School then I’ve only got a smidgen over 1 year left. That’s It! It was one of those...

Hit-Me-With–A-Mac-Truck,

Throw-Me-In-A-Glacier-Lake,

Slap-My-Face Kind-of, Moments.

Aaauuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!

As a mom have I prepared him adequately for life on his own? Will he be able to make and stick to a budget (something I still struggle with)? Will he keep up his grades, remember to set his alarm, frequently change his underwear, date good girls, find a career path, go to church and make more than waffles to survive on? I think so.


That’s just it. I think he will be o.k. but I don’t KNOW it. What did I miss? So I’m going to be racking my small brain trying to figure out what I can cram into what little time I have left with him. I’m sure this will make for one of his more annoying years with Mom moments. As if getting ready to be a Senior wasn’t bad enough. Better a leach now, than calling him every-day at college and reminding him to do whatever.

Abner, has been the rock of my kids. I couldn’t have asked for a more dependable first child. All of his siblings love him and look up to him. I kind-of wish I had a big brother like him. At seven – he encouraged us to read scriptures as a family so that he could make better choices. He’s one of those one in a million kids who recognizes a need and helps out without being asked too. I’ve also never, ever gotten lip from him. I get more smart mouth from my two-year old than I’ve ever gotten from him.

So, somewhere deep in my heart I guess I know he’ll be o.k. But darn-it if I don’t miss him already, and Thank God for the blessing he is in my life. And double-darn it if my stupid emotions just didn’t kick into high gear and start me blubbering like the village idiot. So, slap my face, wake me up, I’ve still got things to do.

Growing Up Fast

I came downstairs to find Hope fixing herself a bowl of cereal. At least I know that if something ever happened to me, she would definitely be able to fend for herself. No she didn’t get her own bowl, she used Abner’s dirty one that he forgot to clear from the table. But hey, with or without a bowl she could take care of herself.



Somewhere A chorus of angels are singing ‘Alleluia!’ even if it is only in my head. Evo-man spiffy’d himself up without one little peep or nag from me. He even did it in record time and was ready to walk out the door for school a full 10 minutes early. This is the kid that goes to church with his Sunday shirt un-tucked, sagging belt-less pants, and white socks, and is ready for school after about 100 nags and 20 minutes late. Not today. It's been awhile since I've taken pictures. No he doesn't have a vase growing out of his head - it's just mom's poor set-up skills.

So what’s behind this marvelous transformation. - - - Bella - - - Music to my ears. Bella is a girl at Everett’s school who agreed to be his friend. He went to school on Monday with a crush on Nancy, but his best friend asked her to be his special friend so Everett happily approached sweet Bella and decided that he liked her better all along. Of course, Bella gave him a hug when he asked her and has been telling him all week how excited she was to see him all decked out in what he calls his tux. Their school went to see the Nutcracker Ballet today for a field trip and he even got to sit by his Bella. Maybe we should invite her to go to church with us???