Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Digging up Dreams

Light Blub Moment…. Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding,  Well Duh!

light bulb moment

‘FawnDear, you’ve stopped dreaming.’ My husband told me yesterday and I burst into tears because, you know, I’m a deranged hormonal female he nailed it.

Since the unbloggable happened in July it feels like my soul has shriveled to the size of an old prune shut down.  I couldn’t pin-point why until until my Prince enlightened me with his wisdom.  He was dead-on.  I had stopped dreaming.  My motivation had gone from following my dreams to being a zombie mom on a schedule.  The pain of reality hurts less when you assume the zombie.

Dreams have been such a huge part of my life, my motivation for Improvement, Fun, Laughter and Magic.

So why did the dreams disappear?  Turns out, I unknowingly buried them, about a mile deep under bedrock, or so it seems.

I chatted with my Always Young and Gorgeous counselor about it yesterday and we figured that all the knocks I’ve received over the past year with the house and finances self-imploding and, of course, the bombshell unbloggable;  well it turns out that all of those negative things had been shooting down some of my more established dreams.  And after the pain of losing some of those cherished dreams I shut down and quit dreaming in an attempt to not suffer further future hurt.  And that stupid shutting down turned out to be me destroying even more my own dreams. 

Zombie life stinks, to the tune of finding 50 lbs. over the past few months, the the detriment of missing out on opportunities to live magically with my kids, and being extremely self-conscious of my rapid fall while trying to enjoy those precious, few moments I have with my Prince Erik.  I think I’ve found depression, self-imposed though it may be, and I don’t want it anymore.

caution zombies

So how in the heck am I going to dig up my box of dreams?  I realized that yesterday was the first step.  Just realizing the extent of the damage was a place to start.  And I don’t want to be here anymore.  I want to Dream again!!!  And I want to dream now.  Who cares if life is raining unmentionables on me at this very moment,  I need to get back to the FawnDear that did this when the storms came.  I miss me.

Waking up from being a zombie is painful, emotionally and physically as I try to re-shed these layers of protective walls I’ve unconsciously erected over the past few months.

Young and Gorgeous told me what I need to do to start dreaming again.  I have to journal, blog, scribble in a notebook etc daily about my dreams. 

And I need to go through the motions of following those dreams even when I don’t feel the motivation burning in my veins.    She promised that if I at least started going through the motions again, those old dream muscles will start to wake up, get a little more feeling, reawaken from the zombie slumber etc.

Get this – She told me to put myself first.  That’s hard for me to do, especially when I don’t have enough hours in the day to even put my socks on.  Now I’ve first got to make time to physically and spiritually put my life in order.

I know she’s right.  Here’s hoping I’ve started the dream recovery process on this latest funk and am on my way to dreaming those dream once again.  I know they are there, just on the verge of my imagination.


Special thanks to all my bloggy friends who have been so patient with me as I went through this latest funk.  I can’t wait to experience joy again.  I promise my next post will be about fun stuff again.


utmomof 5 said...

I couldn't agree more with the young and gorgeous (is that what you called him/her?)

Sometimes going through motions get you at least headed in the right direction. And before you know it it won't be "going through the motions" anymore.

Best of luck finding you dreams again!!!

Natalie said...

You sound like Bella in New Moon with all the zombie talk! But hey, you've still got me to comment on your posts, no matter how depressing they might be. I always look forward to reading your blog, and I'm always checking to see if you've commented on my blog...

Now I'm going to pretend I'm an adult.

No matter how many unblogables happen, the Lord will always be there to guide you through it. "When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I carried you." And I will always be here, typing up a comment, being (maybe) your biggest fan. :)
Wow, that does sound like I'm an adult. :):):):):):)

Trena Doll said...

I wish you the very best dreams! And I'm glad you're ready to start dreaming again. You do more with your dreams than anyone else I know.

Anonymous said...

Fawndear, You clearly have so many that love you-even in blog land. While you are hilarious and post so many fun ideas and comments, please don't feel you need to always post something upbeat and happy all the time. Use this forum to vent to people who care-and clearly from the comments I read here-people DO care about you.

I've fallen off the wagon with weight too-only without cause. Let's go for a walk sometime-when it gets warmer...

In the meantime, go outside and look at your houselights. They are beautiful. Find a dream in the faces of those darling kids at Christmas. Watch a video that your talented son made or snuggle up to Prince Erik in front of a fire in the fireplace.

Know you are loved.

laterg8r said...

i really hope you find your dreams again :D

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Sounds like you got some good advice. Take care of you--if you don't feed yourself, you'll eat your children, then your husbands, then your neighbor--then you'll be a real zombie!!!

princessmama said...

Awww, don't think you have to only blog the happy. This is what is happening in you right now and sometimes letting it out helps us process through things.

Glad to hear you are getting good advice and support. Hope things are looking up for you.

Anonymous said...

hey- you are amazing- some of us are settling into our december/christmas funk and you are breaking out- you inspire me Love you- R-

Lisa Olander said...

You made me open my eyes and see that I too have lost my dreaming ability and am just going through the motions. My kids miss their mommy. Maybe it is time I take a moment to laugh with them and dream with them....they grow too quickly. You are my inspiration not matter what you think. You are an awesome mom, wife, and woman!!! We miss you.

Toni said...

My friend, your amazing, and I know that I'm there with you, in lossing your dreams. I found that I have lost hope for any tomorrows.. In so many area's of my life, my "tomorrow's" died, Oct 2, the day we lost our son. Burring 4 children has SUCKED, and I know a little bit about that "funk." I hope you find your dreams again and hold on to them..
Big (((HUGS)))

Love and miss ya. I cant believe we have been friends now for almost 40 yrs. Yes we do turn 40 this coming year.. Ahahahaha.

jenibug said...

Thank you for the honesty in this post! I never thought of that kind of living as being zombie-like before, but it describes it perfectly. I've been a zombie for a number of years due to certain dreams not coming true too. I really appreciate your insight.