I’m not Perfect!

DUH! But flawed isn’t bad if you are working on becoming better. Since I cradled my first child in my arms, have aimed at being The Perfect Mother better than I was the day before. Some days are good and others tend to see me taking a step back.

The hardest thing for me to do is change. But change comes whether I’m ready for it or not. The hardest thing about change is that it sometimes means redirecting my short-term dreams. That’s what bites.

I had dreams of carrying on our family traditions of themed costumes for Halloween – organized and pre-preparing Christmas. My kids love it and I love doing it for them. I had dreams of conquering clutter. I mean who doesn’t want a Perfect nice clean home. Those dreams I had to shelve for the time being. They are not dead, and I mean to pick them back up, but it will be awhile. And that moment of time has dragged on for the past 12 weeks and threatened, every once in a while, to engulf me in misery.

However, I am strong.

The happy, healthy, crafty, mom you often see here on my blog is just one layer of a very complicated life I find myself leading at the present. It’s my preferred layer and one I’d slip into every opportunity I could find. However the Unblogable Happened. And it’s changed me, for better and worse, whether I wanted it to or not. I find the opportunity to slip into that comfortable layer of myself coming at fewer and farther intervals.

The Worst Part: I haven’t slept well or soundly more than a handful of nights since this has happened. And lack of sleep hasn’t had a good effect on my mental judgment. Let me tell you – Zombie Mom isn’t a pretty thing to behold.

Have fun looking at that in the mirror every morning. Okay, normally I'm not pulling faces at myself.

So on advice from my young and gorgeous counselor, husband, and Dr. Dad. I’ve started doing something I’ve never done in my entire life – take sleep aids (non-addictive ones, of course).

I’m going to be Sleeping Beauty before you know it. I promise to post those pictures when my amazing transformation Don’t hold your breath happens.

I’ve gained over 25 pounds in the last 12 weeks and am now only 13 lbs lighter than I was at my all time high. If I was a swearing type of person, which I’m not. That statement would have been followed by a super long string of very colorful adjectives, which would make you blush crimson. Thank goodness I don’t Swear. But may I say, ‘Oh, My HONK!’ I let what happen to myself? My whole marvelous transformation into that half marathoner has evaporated overnight it seems.

Can I say right now that I suspect Chocolate has a dark side. Maybe, it was even created by the Devil himself. Stupid Chocolate. You are no friend of mine. So stop tempting me.

I miss my best friend more than anything in the world. Somehow knowing that it might be years before I can spend meaningful time with this most cherished friend rips my heart out. I know this person feels the same way.

Fawndear… Why then let go of the costumes and clutter fighting, especially when they brought such joy?

I’ve ran out of time. I have less than 4 days a week to do the household work of a whole week. And I’m sorry, but clean underwear and clean dishes trump costumes and that pile of clutter on the table.

I miss reading. I tend to read 2-3 books a month but when the UnBlogAble happened my mind wouldn’t focus on the pages of any book. Even books that were recommended to help me through this tough situation. I start to read and my mind goes in an entirely different direction and I’ll have to re-read the same page 3 different times before I feel I’ve even glimpsed at what the whole darn thing was about. So the escape of reading is on the back burner as well.

Enough whining FawnDear. Enough. Sorry to indulge you in my little pity party. What I really wanted to tell you was the other side.

The Better: Since the Unblogable happened, my family’s happiness means more than it ever has. Taking the moments to tuck the kids in, kiss their foreheads, and tell them how wonderful I think they are has never been easier. My priorities have never been easier to choose. Loving my family is way more important than putting on a good show for the PTA.

My testimony in my Savior has been strengthened tenfold. I witness daily, little miracles and tender mercies (Daily, I say, sometimes hourly), that tell me that I, and each of the members of my family are important and loved individually by our Heavenly Father. Those miracles have buoyed up my spirit and kept me from that misery that lurks nearby. Without that sure knowledge I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle this whole unblogable situation. Prayers are answered! And dreams do come true. Sometimes they just take a while coming around.

Angles are real. Both unseen and seen. I feel as if I’m surrounded by both. How amazing it that?

So that whole Holiday Countdown list on the side of my blog is Changing. I was feeling guilty about not being able to measure up to my own expectations. When the truth is I’ve been doing remarkable with getting anything done at all. And to recognize those small steps in the right direction, instead of telling you what I want to do over the coming week, I’m going to tell you what I was able to accomplish in preparation for the holidays. Even if it’s only 1 thing.

So last week. I finished decorating the crafts for my Fairy Godmothers cabinet.

The final touch was some magical books.

To see how I made the enchanted books you’ll have to visit Mommy Blessings. Who’d have thought you could stick so many little magical glitter pixie dust containers in an old book? The kids and I had a fun time making our magical decorations.

Who knows what I’ll be able to accomplish this next week. It may be major and it might only be one little drawer uncluttered. But whatever it is, it won’t come between me and loving my children. And if my children know their mom loves them beyond all shadow of doubt, then I’ve made a difference that counts.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I'm much better now. And promise the next post will be super happy.