Sunday, October 11, 2009

I’m not Perfect!

DUH! But flawed isn’t bad if you are working on becoming better. Since I cradled my first child in my arms, have aimed at being The Perfect Mother better than I was the day before. Some days are good and others tend to see me taking a step back.

The hardest thing for me to do is change. But change comes whether I’m ready for it or not. The hardest thing about change is that it sometimes means redirecting my short-term dreams. That’s what bites.

I had dreams of carrying on our family traditions of themed costumes for Halloween – organized and pre-preparing Christmas. My kids love it and I love doing it for them. I had dreams of conquering clutter. I mean who doesn’t want a Perfect nice clean home. Those dreams I had to shelve for the time being. They are not dead, and I mean to pick them back up, but it will be awhile. And that moment of time has dragged on for the past 12 weeks and threatened, every once in a while, to engulf me in misery.

However, I am strong.

The happy, healthy, crafty, mom you often see here on my blog is just one layer of a very complicated life I find myself leading at the present. It’s my preferred layer and one I’d slip into every opportunity I could find. However the Unblogable Happened. And it’s changed me, for better and worse, whether I wanted it to or not. I find the opportunity to slip into that comfortable layer of myself coming at fewer and farther intervals.

The Worst Part: I haven’t slept well or soundly more than a handful of nights since this has happened. And lack of sleep hasn’t had a good effect on my mental judgment. Let me tell you – Zombie Mom isn’t a pretty thing to behold.

Fall 045

Have fun looking at that in the mirror every morning. Okay, normally I'm not pulling faces at myself.

So on advice from my young and gorgeous counselor, husband, and Dr. Dad. I’ve started doing something I’ve never done in my entire life – take sleep aids (non-addictive ones, of course).

I’m going to be Sleeping Beauty before you know it. I promise to post those pictures when my amazing transformation Don’t hold your breath happens.

I’ve gained over 25 pounds in the last 12 weeks and am now only 13 lbs lighter than I was at my all time high. If I was a swearing type of person, which I’m not. That statement would have been followed by a super long string of very colorful adjectives, which would make you blush crimson. Thank goodness I don’t Swear. But may I say, ‘Oh, My HONK!’ I let what happen to myself? My whole marvelous transformation into that half marathoner has evaporated overnight it seems.

Can I say right now that I suspect Chocolate has a dark side. Maybe, it was even created by the Devil himself. Stupid Chocolate. You are no friend of mine. So stop tempting me.

I miss my best friend more than anything in the world. Somehow knowing that it might be years before I can spend meaningful time with this most cherished friend rips my heart out. I know this person feels the same way.

Fawndear… Why then let go of the costumes and clutter fighting, especially when they brought such joy?

I’ve ran out of time. I have less than 4 days a week to do the household work of a whole week. And I’m sorry, but clean underwear and clean dishes trump costumes and that pile of clutter on the table.

I miss reading. I tend to read 2-3 books a month but when the UnBlogAble happened my mind wouldn’t focus on the pages of any book. Even books that were recommended to help me through this tough situation. I start to read and my mind goes in an entirely different direction and I’ll have to re-read the same page 3 different times before I feel I’ve even glimpsed at what the whole darn thing was about. So the escape of reading is on the back burner as well.

Enough whining FawnDear. Enough. Sorry to indulge you in my little pity party. What I really wanted to tell you was the other side.

The Better: Since the Unblogable happened, my family’s happiness means more than it ever has. Taking the moments to tuck the kids in, kiss their foreheads, and tell them how wonderful I think they are has never been easier. My priorities have never been easier to choose. Loving my family is way more important than putting on a good show for the PTA.

My testimony in my Savior has been strengthened tenfold. I witness daily, little miracles and tender mercies (Daily, I say, sometimes hourly), that tell me that I, and each of the members of my family are important and loved individually by our Heavenly Father. Those miracles have buoyed up my spirit and kept me from that misery that lurks nearby. Without that sure knowledge I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle this whole unblogable situation. Prayers are answered! And dreams do come true. Sometimes they just take a while coming around.

Angles are real. Both unseen and seen. I feel as if I’m surrounded by both. How amazing it that?

So that whole Holiday Countdown list on the side of my blog is Changing. I was feeling guilty about not being able to measure up to my own expectations. When the truth is I’ve been doing remarkable with getting anything done at all. And to recognize those small steps in the right direction, instead of telling you what I want to do over the coming week, I’m going to tell you what I was able to accomplish in preparation for the holidays. Even if it’s only 1 thing.

So last week. I finished decorating the crafts for my Fairy Godmothers cabinet.

Fall 179

The final touch was some magical books.

Fall 185

To see how I made the enchanted books you’ll have to visit Mommy Blessings. Who’d have thought you could stick so many little magical glitter pixie dust containers in an old book? The kids and I had a fun time making our magical decorations.

Who knows what I’ll be able to accomplish this next week. It may be major and it might only be one little drawer uncluttered. But whatever it is, it won’t come between me and loving my children. And if my children know their mom loves them beyond all shadow of doubt, then I’ve made a difference that counts.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I'm much better now. And promise the next post will be super happy.


Sara said...

Hugs, dear! You are such a sweet person. I don't know what the unblogable is, but don't let it defeat you.

I know however hard it is, taking care of your health will help you deal with it all better. You don't have to totally focus on weight loss right now, but you can stop it in its tracks by taking baby steps and making better choices.

There is so little we can control in this world, especially when it comes to those huge trials, but we can control how we love the people around us and ourselves. You're already doing that with the family; do it for yourself, too.

I'll pray for you.

princessmama said...


Arrow said...

You're doing a remarkable job. Hang in there.

Lisa Olander said...

I LOVE YOU!!! You are my hero in every sense of the word. I pray each day for all of you. I know you can do anything (and yes chocolate has a dark side). You are amazing. Yes, the kids come first and if you are "mismatched" this year, so be it...mine grumble about my idiotic last minute ideas for costumes but later love "cereal" killer and "static cling"...easy, cheap and no thinking. I have had to give up some of the traditions for similar reasons and it kills me more than the kids...I am not a perfect mom. Though I wish I could be as good as you. Thank you for everything!

Suburban Correspondent said...

Well, now I have to sit here and worry about you. I had a very rough September, with some things happening that upended some cherished convictions of mine. It's not easy trying to go on with normal life while dealing with upheavals like that. Hang in there, and take care of yourself - your kids are depending on you!

Trena Doll said...

I know you'll get through this, and come out stronger than ever. You always do. Love you!

laterg8r said...

{{{{hugs to you}}}}

Honey Mommy said...

I can't imagine what you are going through, but we all go through tough times. It helps me to put it all out there in writing, so go for it!

Sometimes all you can do is all that is required. Hang in there and keep on doing what you need to!

daring one said...

I love you Fawn! The most important, transforming, difficult thigns in life are always unbloggable. The harder they are, the stronger you must be. I miss you. Just do what you need to do to get through right now. You're still supermom.

Anonymous said...

Fawn, what would you do if I showed up at your door and stole you? We could have a silent undrstanding that even though "unbloggable" things happen (and I have had my own horrific things to scary to give voice anywhere) we are not unloveable. My heart hurts for you. Remember whatever really bites, just give it back. It wasn't meant for us to carry for long. We love you and your family. Regina and boys

Eve said...

I think about you all the time, especially about the fact that you can't be with your best friend right now. I tear up thinking about it. Fawn you are a special spirit and are loved by so many. Especially Heavenly Father. Wouldn't it be nice to fast forward time through things like this?
We've been struggling in a different way for awhile, and we know we have a ways to go. Sometimes I get so impatient. I want this time in our lives to be over...but other times I count my blessings and hug my children and try to keep a smile on.

Faith said...

Know that you're thought of with a smile and that prayers are coming your way.

Nancy said...

Hey Fawn--you are always SuperMom to me! Know that there are many out there thinking of you and praying for you. Here's to hoping this difficult time will go by quickly.