I am Angelina Jolie… HA

Or she is me. At least that’s what Hope thinks.

‘Look Mom, it’s you,’ Hope says as she points to a picture of the famous mom on a magazine at our local grocery store.’

Oh My Snork! I about choked right there in the check-out line – Ya Right.

Sure we have our similarities like doting mom’s to cute kids.

But my belly birthed all six of mine and it’s got the girth to prove it.

Well, lets see. We both have long dark hair. But …

O.K. I admit it. We look nothing alike. Hum, maybe if I tweezed my bush brows, pumped up my lower lip with whatever they pump up lips with and lost 40 [plus lbs, and wore make-up.

Double snort. cough, choke, hum. Yeah, not even then.

I have to admit I’m flattered that Hope thinks I’m so beautiful. I’m sure if you asked my boys they’d say I looked like Kathy Bates. This is her, by the way, but I can do a mean impersonation.

‘Yeah,’ Evo-man replied when he saw this image. ‘That about nails it.’

Then again, maybe it’s a girl thing. I always thought my mom looked like Sophia Loren.

And she looks this good without make-up. With it she could have won a look-alike contest.

Meanwhile I’m going to lose that extra 40 lbs. and start wearing make-up.

'Yeah,' my husband agrees. 'Make-up, would be nice.'

Anyone seen my brain?

It’s been missing for a couple of weeks.  Not sure where I put it.  Perhaps if I’d known where I placed it I wouldn’t have misplaced my 3 year old today.

Hope decided to visit Jewel my neighbor and it took me 15 minutes to figure out that she was gone, scour the house, yard and trailer park, before I got a clue.  I had finally decided to call 911 when I saw that my sweet neighbor had left a message for me letting me know that Hope was with her.  UGH!!!  I can’t believe I did that again.  And now that Hope knows there’s an awesome flat screen that plays Blue’s Clues just up the road, she may have extra incentive to ditch mom again. 

Maybe I should just put Jewels # on speed dial.  Last year Hope was fascinated by her little pond.  This year she’s gone and invited herself into the neighbor’s house.

Do ya think they make reverse Electronic Shock collars?  One that I could put on myself so that when Hope ventures further than 30 feet away it zaps me back to reality?

My dear sweet husband decided that maybe some torture sessions would clear my brain so he signed me up for some shock and awe therapy with my personal torture trainer friend Mrs. DAR-ling.  So starting next week she is going to try and jump start my muffin top into some serious action and pain (no doubt).  I’ve worked out with her before, she’s awesome, but I’ve always had trouble walking stairs or even sitting down, afterwards. 

Funny thing is, Prince Erik was too chicken to tell me that he had signed me up.  He had my trainer tell me. 

So with a personal trainer, WW, and my Young and Gorgeous Counselor on board I’m hoping that I’ll finally be able to turn this whole weight mess around. 

Still waiting for spring to arrive.  Maybe that’s why my mind is foul.  I walked outside to snow on the car this morning.  I need to do some therapeutic weed pulling but it’s nothing but liquid sunshine and puddles of mud outside.

Thank you for listening to my little old vent.  I’m all better know.  Ready to start tackling my Super Long Spring To-Do list!  It’s a fun list too – Lots of crafts, de-cluttering and sewing, and more sewing, another favorite holiday or two.  Should be fun, if I can locate my brain that is.

My children are Doomed!

My children are Doomed, Doomed I say. They have no hope! What with their Dad's genetic's running through their veins and my klutziness. Heaven help them - cause they're gonna need it. I can't complain too much about their destructive tendencies because they learned everything they needed to know from me. The only difference is I don't do it intentionally.

I grew up in a home with no Barbie dolls - No one should be put through the torture of seeing her without clothes it might give you a body complex. Or at least that's how I was raised. Cover your eyes.

So I avoided the doll's as well, but my kids would get them as gifts. I eventually relented and even purchased a few Disney Princesses because my mom had taught me a nifty trick. Just piant a swimsuit on the doll that won't come off using, get this, Fingernail polish. I had to as soon as my boys started noticeing them and saying Ewwwwww, whenever the girls forgot to dress them.

So this morning I was attempting to give Jasmine a little top -

- and no, I would never wear that shade of green on my nails. I bought it purely for the doll. I've got quite the assortment of wild colors that match the different moods of my girls Barbies. Somehow I accidently knocking it off the night table onto my carpeted bedroom floor.

This is what you call two feet long PURE HORROR!!!

No magic eraser for carpets. This picture is taken after I downed two whole bottles of polish remover directly into the stain.

I guess we will never move now, or complain about my kids messes. Mine are much more expensive. Remember the hole in the wall. Well it's time to re-arrange my bedroom furniture.

From now on, I'm painting outside!

What's a Mom's work worth?

I saw an interesting article in the paper today saying that if a stay at home mom drew a paycheck it would be worth an average of $117,000 Buck-A-Roo's per year.

You can check out what your paycheck would be worth here. Mom's Paycheck

It even lets you personalize it. Once I'd added in some of my extra duties it said I could command $130,992 a year. Somehow I don't think Prince Erik could afford to keep me if I demanded that much.

I did find their list a bit lacking. No where on it did they have...

* Law Enforcement Officer - Think of how much money we save the judicial system by being the Cop, Lawyer, Judge and sometimes Jailer to our little kiddos.

* Hazardous Waste Removal Expert - Maybe they tried to hide this under the title of janitor. But sometimes I think a Haz-Mat suit would be a better fit for the kind of messes most mom's clean up. At least this would apply to the messes around my house.

* Personal Trainer - Who else would get their little tushes off the couch and out into the yard to play.

*Seamstress - I wonder why some of the oldie-but-goodie homemaking arts are not listed anymore. And with these blasted boat cushions that I've been sewing for 3 days straight I'd be garnering some serious overtime mullah. That and I know how much they would cost if I had to have someone else do them for me.

* Dictator - I've heard they make good bucks and I know my children would agree that I fall into this category. Not the making good bucks but acting the part.

*Professional Negotiator - Who else can resolve the conflicts that the family member's dredge up.

* Detective - Mom's have to be a good detective. Who else can solve the Who-Done-It-This-Time Mystery.

*Physic - I know exactly what consequences will happen to my children and gladly tell them their future if they continue to push certain buttons.

*Teacher - For their benefit the Salary Site did mention a Day Care Center Teacher but I found that title lacking since I home-school and what parent isn't the main life/coach teacher to their children.

*Actor - I should win an Oscar for my calm performances when other's are totally losing it. Should I also mention that my evil eye and menacing stare has no equal.

Other titles could include : Pest Controller, Construction Worker (Drywall specialist), Veterinarian, Gardener, Painter, Court Jester, Movie Theater and Arcade Operator, and so many more.

So as I see it I personally think I'm worth way more, and so are most mom's I know. We are lucky in a way that we don't see a paper paycheck. I can tell you every time Evo-man doesn't Sass back, Hope gives my neck a squeeze or crawls into my lap my heart melts and I wouldn't trade that experiance for all the money in the world.

So Happy Mother's Day all you underpaid Priceless mom's.

Dream On Day

It’s my dream day. I told you I’d update you on my dreams every Friday. I’ll let you know how my wrestle with the dreaded clutter monster went, but, before I regale you with that horrific battle, I thought I’d fill you in on yet another dream. It’s one of my favorites, and I’ve been living the reality of this dream in Technicolor and High Definition Sound for the past 16 years, 10 months, and a few odd days. It’s the dream of being a mom. Thursday, I celebrated my 9-year old daughter Lea’s birthday, and last night we invited some of her friends over for a little party.

Lea is my adventurer. Being the first girl after three boys, I went overboard with the girl stuff. It started the day we found out she was a girl. I was pregnant with her, of course, and decided that after three surprises, all boys, we wanted for the first time to find out the gender of our baby through ultrasound. So we took all three boys (8, 5, and 2) to the Dr. Appointment with us. Don’t ask me what we were thinking, because obviously we weren’t. They were not the least bit interested in seeing moving black, white and gray meaningless images and a super small screen. Now if you could view ultrasounds in none-fuzzy color on a large screen with sub-woofers with the main character dressed in a military uniform, you might be able to hold their attention a bit longer. Anyway they acted like typical-for-our-family little boys and jumped on furniture, talked extremely loudly, and teased and tackled each other constantly. The ultra-sound tech (obviously a little stressed) asked to have them wait in the lobby with dad until the end of the ultra-sound. Out in the lobby they continued their extremely active and noisy behavior, much to my embarrassment. After taking another look at my boys, he looked at me and said, ‘Well, it’s your lucky day… you’re going to have a girl.’ Being fully hormonal I of course, started bawling with joy. I had to buy my first little girl dress on the way home that very day. And wouldn’t you know it; Mickey and Minnie were on it, being the Disney freak that I am.

Miss Lea, however, has turned out to be more of a tomboy than the girly girl I was expecting. Hence the Jedi before Princess Fascination she had at Disneyland. Maybe she got the tomboy gene me, or maybe it was because she followed in the footsteps of three brothers. Whatever the reason, she‘s a tough little cookie. When she was little, there was a constant fear that she would take off and go on one of her own little wandering adventures. Starting at age 15 months, if the door was open, or unlocked, she would be outside, up or down the hill and off into the great unknown. There didn’t seem to be a need, in her mind, for her to stay close to home, too many curious places to discover. This however, led to a very anxious and paranoid mommy me. So we had to keep an extremely close hawk eye on her, install a couple of extra-high locks on the door, activate a very annoying security beep whenever entrances were opened, and get a family dog (Bridget) who could keep her company and alert us if she decided to take off. My paranoia got so bad I had her on one of those kid leashes while on our boat. She was constantly leaning over the edge in order to see if there was anything in the water. And if she couldn’t see anything, she would toss whatever was closest to her in so see if it would float. Good-bye, scuba goggles, watch, tee-shirt, glasses, etc.

Fortunately, she grew out of the run-way, run far away, really fast and chuck things stage and has decided that home isn’t such a boring place to be. Today, Lea is the greatest older sister and little mommy’s helper there is. She takes care of her little sisters with the experience of a girl much older. Someday she will make an awesome babysitter. Yesterday when I was getting ready for her party, she would constantly ask me what she could do to help, and then follow through and ask again. The persistence she had as a toddler has turned into a positive persistence for doing good. Lea has also has inherited my love for arts and crafts, and unlike her three older brothers, she loves to do school work. And let me tell you, that is an amazingly great thing and rare thing in our family. I don’t have to bug her to get anything done. So happy 9th birthday Lea, I love you and admire what a great job your doing as big sister, daughter, and friend. You are a true Princess and make my dream of being a Mom truly joyous.

Now back to my other dreams. I know, I know another too long blog, so just a quickie here. I’m doing o.k. on my ‘finding a place for everything dream.’

I'd show you pictures but my blog editor seems to be under attack at the moment.

So you'll have to take my word (yes, it's still good) for it, but I am making progress on my back room. I’m doing it, and I’ve been working at this whole de-clutter / find a place for everything, all week long. I’ve come to the conclusion, that like the layers of Shrek’s onion, this dream is definitely going to take a lot longer than I thought it would. But I’m here for the long haul, and dang-it I really want this dream. So even though I didn’t finish the room in a week, I was able to tackle and finish some other projects like my dining room and the front porch. They were not on my list of to-do things, but I had to bump them up on account of my daughter’s birthday. You know the CHAOS factor – Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Well the Chaos is almost conquered in the front of my house. Yeah.

I promise a much shorter blog next time, and pictures.