I’ve spent a great deal of time this month in deep reflection. I mean DEEP, DEEP, Soul-Searching Reflection, where you hold a gi-normous magnifying glass to your soul and life (Past, Present & Future). I think the one year UnBloggable Anniversary had something to do with it. Nothing like an ongoing UnBloggable to turn you upside down and force you to refocus your priorities. There are many other reasons why. This POST by Daring Young Mom knocked me off my feet earlier this summer as well. It’s a must read!!!
Like many I’ve struggled with self-esteem my entire life. And I’m now seeing how the negative comments I make about my body, intellect, etc, are effecting the way my children view themselves. How stupid is it that a 4 and 8 year old make remarks about themselves being stupid or fat? Of course, I immediately sit them down, tell them how precious they are, remind them not to compare themselves to others, yada, yada, yada. But, the only way for them to really believe me is if I stop the Self-Hate Myself.
I’m working on it. Really Hard. Don’t really want to be that kind of hypocrite mom.
And it’s working.
Slowly, but it’s working.
My long time readers know I rarely post pictures of myself. You know the typical ‘You’ll break the camera, cause I’m ugly thought & excuse.’ But I decided to take off my mask. Got a little courage from SHAKTI MAMA’s Project located HERE. I hid way too long behind what I thought others thought of me. Bought clothes, furniture, and STUFF because I thought other’s would think it was nice and not necessarily because I loved it.
Well this year I turned the scary Big 40. You know Mid-Life Crisis Warning time. Of course I didn’t go out and jump out of an airplane, or buy a Motorcycle (even thought I thought about it). Wanted a little red one that I could call Bella. Silly right! UGH!
The best thing about turning 40 – Reflection.
Now, I’m finally taking steps to embrace me, my thoughts, dreams, goals, likes, etc, And the most amazing thing is happening --- I’m starting to like me. No, it’s even stronger than that.
I actually Love me, myself, and I. Shucks, it only took 40 years, but I’m viewing myself through more mature, enlightened eyes.
Shakti’s first project was a making a mask, but seeing as I’ve been behind one way too long I thought I’d show you the real thing. No make-up, no photo editing, and no broken camera.
Freckles, sun-spots, moles and all. And it’s not that bad, if I do say so myself.
Yes, I know I won’t grace the cover of any magazine but I am a masterpiece in progress. Want to see something I really like about myself.
I’ve got a head full of super thick, slightly wavy (when still damp like above) wonderful long hair. I mostly keep it in a pony tail or braid because I don’t like it in my face. But I think it’s pretty cool, even now that it has a sprinkling of gray in there. Gray = Life Experience. Let’s just say I’ve gotten more life experience over the past year than I have the previous 39 put together.
And here’s something I wear to help me to remember to keep my dreams alive.
It’s actually a combination of three of my favorite necklaces. My dream necklace that my in-laws gave me for last Christmas along with a little fairy for imagination and a flower bell that really tinkles a charming note reminding me that to find happiness I’ve got to seek it out. It sure won’t come and find me if I’m wallowing in self-pity.
You know, my girls, they are going to make it too. We all are.
How do we break the self-hate cycle once and for all? It’s probably different for all of us. Would love your suggestions because I know for a fact it’s a process that won’t happen overnight. But it will be so worth it in the end.